Thoughts on this piece? It’s a rough draft of a prosaic story that came to my mind upon awakening this morning?

tall babes
Faust asked:

What cruel fate, madness!
Twining seductively about the human soul,
sinister to the ears, so hark!
A story told, of long, long ago,
of two brothers, estranged.

Emperors of men, husbands of wives,
fathers of children, priests of wisdom, passed.
Two ***** born unto the world,
and upon their brows, marks,
one of serenity, and the other – of downfall.

Puzzled were the sages, the magi and wise men.
Who were these babes, that they bore the mark of heavenly make?
One, with the air of wisdom, of pride,
the other – fallen from some future grace,
to live shamed, disgraced.

And so the seers spoke as one:
“When Utopia is grasped,
tragedy befalls those in search
of further want.”

As one, these brothers aged,
through the times as a single soul,
wise beyond their years.
One was named Arubus,
the other, Hectarin.

The professors wondered aloud,
“Who are these boys,
that they speak prophecy?
Do they not know Hell,
and the treachery therein?

And the boys knew not of Hell,
but of war and teachings,
chess and strategy,
compassion and pleasure,
poetry and philosophy.

Of Arubus, he was fair!
His youth blossomed,
as he ascended to that of a man,
and he grew tall, and was handsome.
The ladies swooned, and the strength of Hercules rested in his palms.

Oft would be the time,
when he would venture out from his father’s kingdom,
and topple the trees of the valley,
and bore them back upon his golden shoulders,
and the people would ring out with rejoicing, praising him -

a god amongst men.
Intellect rested humbly upon his bronze brow,
and his regality was borne with grace,
so that no wretch could look on him,
and resent.

Arubus was praised, he was the first to be born
from his mother’s birth throes – the first expelled from the womb,
but oft the people would whisper, that Hectarin – in a sudden seizure
of immense jealosy – seized upon his brother’s ankle,
and followed on his shadow, not to be outdone.

And so of Hectarin, the land would wonder,
“Who is this man, that he burst forth
on his brother’s will for life?
Is he a devil, perhaps? He is indeed quick of wit,
and sly with his cloven tongue.”

For Hectarin loved with all his heart
the people in his father’s keep,
yet the people loved Hectarin not,
but rather held him in their deepest respects, warily.
And Hectarin knew of this, and grew resentful of Arubus.

And his soul grew darkened,
and the light of his face, once golden as the gates of Olympus,
paled, and in his eyes shone a fey light.
Yet his love for his father’s hand remained unabated,
and fixated he remained, desperate for a favorable hand.
_________________________________

Thoughts?
Consider this final stanza the last installment for this part of the story:

No such hand came, and Hectarin despaired,
for he was still – though aged to that of a fine man -
in need of some praise from the seed which gave him breath.
And with a cry he proclaimed,
“Who is loving you, that you give me none in return?”






6 Responses to 'Thoughts on this piece? It’s a rough draft of a prosaic story that came to my mind upon awakening this morning?'

  1. Happy Hiram - May 25th, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    I am still too tired today to make heaven or hell out of it, but it is a good read. Thanks.

  2. shirleyf - May 27th, 2010 at 4:57 am

    If this is what you thought of when you first woke up then you need to quit going to bed on a full stomach. (just kidding) You are such an excellent writer. I just don’t have the attention span for this type of story. The fault is with me, not you. I know this is very good. I will read it again when my head is clearer. Thanks for sharing. (sorry I’m not up for this at the moment)

  3. The Genuine Mighty Iano - May 28th, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    I hear they’re reading your poems to hospital patients with insomnia instead of giving them sleeping tablets – works a treat I’m told. Jack, I’m not being cruel, but your poems are so vapid that it becomes an ordeal to try to read them – you really need to switch tactics.

  4. PatriciaJ - May 29th, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Amazing and ingenious, a story from the Bible, with different names. Your description makes me feel like I was there. Very detailed and exciting, for a change.

    Only suggestions are, I think 2 lines are too long; with your expertise you could make it work better. 2 lines are too short; add more to these to allow the reader draw their breath in as they read, like the other lines affect me.

    In Additional Comments, it would sound better if it read, ‘Who loves you, that gives none (or ‘no love’) in return?’

  5. mtheoryrules - June 1st, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    I think you should go ahead and flesh it out
    make it a full fledged short at least

  6. Stand & Deliver! - June 4th, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    How wonderful!
    You were obviously inspired by Greek Mythology and the tale of Cain and Abel. Still, I’m left wondering about Arubus’ fate.


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