Comments on: Opinions please?

By: margot

margot — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:50:09 +0000

You’ve done some good initial work here. What I would suggest you work on is the ebb and flow of your own creativity, which seems to flit in and out of the poem like a butterfly lighting on flowers in a garden.

For example, the expressions “my mind’s eye” and “trees stand tall and proud” and “animals creep in and out” are very commonplace, cliche like. Contrast the ordinariness of those expressions with some of the lovely, far more original images you created: “sky etched in snow”, “silk-like ice” “shy, careful ghosts” and the personification of the moutain with “sleeps until spring.” See what I’m talking about here?

What’s terrific about your poem is that it is constructed in a way that I think you could easily work on the commonplace expressions by changing a few words (I’ll leave that to you) and have an even more desirable outcome.

Also, snow that falls gently/softly probably doesn’t “strike” the hills with a sigh. More likely, it caresses, or clings to or ?(again, I’ll leave that to you.)

Nice effort.

By: Nic O

Nic O — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 06:32:11 +0000

very good. Now work on more rhythm and rhyme.

By: Todd

Todd — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 06:20:23 +0000

I think it’s very descriptive and pretty.

I liked “silk-like ice which flows…” I also liked “Animals creep in and out”

This poem evoked some really strong images. It was a good read. Thanks.

By: Salene

Salene — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 21:22:20 +0000

I like how you have painted a picture in the readers mind. They can see what you were thinking when you were writing.

By: wayne g

wayne g — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 06:46:40 +0000

You have painted a beautiful picture with words. You have
the hart of a Native American. I see why you are attracted
to to this mountain. I can almost feel the chill in the air. Have
you ever thought about doing oil paintings. Paint what you
saw while your eyes were closed. You have a rare talent.
Please don’t wast it.

By: The PHOOL

The PHOOL — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:30:04 +0000

nice beginning. now take it higher by describing why these mountains attract you.

By: happybidz2003

happybidz2003 — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 09:02:19 +0000

Sounds really good to me, you describe it so that I can see the scene.

By: tvngray

tvngray — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 08:40:32 +0000

If its a freeverse than its alright. You describe the montains as if you really see it.