Opinions please?

tall babes
Dee S asked:

Mountains
I dream of the mountains
And with my mind’s eye I see
The sky etched in snow.
It falls so gently, so softly
And strikes the hills with a sigh
Like a newborn babe’s.
The trees stand tall and proud
Throwing faint shadows upon
The silk-like ice which flows across the land.
Animals creep in and out
Of the wooded areas like shy, careful ghosts
And the mountain sleeps until the spring.

Bookmark and Share


Comments (8)    Posted in Poetry    

Subscribe RSS 2.0 feed. Leave a response, or Trackback from your own site.




8 Responses to 'Opinions please?'

  1. tvngray - February 7th, 2010 at 3:40 am

    If its a freeverse than its alright. You describe the montains as if you really see it.

  2. happybidz2003 - February 7th, 2010 at 4:02 am

    Sounds really good to me, you describe it so that I can see the scene.

  3. The PHOOL - February 10th, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    nice beginning. now take it higher by describing why these mountains attract you.

  4. wayne g - February 14th, 2010 at 1:46 am

    You have painted a beautiful picture with words. You have
    the hart of a Native American. I see why you are attracted
    to to this mountain. I can almost feel the chill in the air. Have
    you ever thought about doing oil paintings. Paint what you
    saw while your eyes were closed. You have a rare talent.
    Please don’t wast it.

  5. Salene - February 16th, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    I like how you have painted a picture in the readers mind. They can see what you were thinking when you were writing.

  6. Todd - February 20th, 2010 at 1:20 am

    I think it’s very descriptive and pretty.

    I liked “silk-like ice which flows…” I also liked “Animals creep in and out”

    This poem evoked some really strong images. It was a good read. Thanks.

  7. Nic O - February 21st, 2010 at 1:32 am

    very good. Now work on more rhythm and rhyme.

  8. margot - February 22nd, 2010 at 10:50 am

    You’ve done some good initial work here. What I would suggest you work on is the ebb and flow of your own creativity, which seems to flit in and out of the poem like a butterfly lighting on flowers in a garden.

    For example, the expressions “my mind’s eye” and “trees stand tall and proud” and “animals creep in and out” are very commonplace, cliche like. Contrast the ordinariness of those expressions with some of the lovely, far more original images you created: “sky etched in snow”, “silk-like ice” “shy, careful ghosts” and the personification of the moutain with “sleeps until spring.” See what I’m talking about here?

    What’s terrific about your poem is that it is constructed in a way that I think you could easily work on the commonplace expressions by changing a few words (I’ll leave that to you) and have an even more desirable outcome.

    Also, snow that falls gently/softly probably doesn’t “strike” the hills with a sigh. More likely, it caresses, or clings to or ?(again, I’ll leave that to you.)

    Nice effort.


Leave a Reply