my friends daughter wrote this and wants to know if it is good. please don’t copy, she is 12 don’t judge to hard
There I layed in the middle of the forest, I didn’t know who I was, and why I was here, I couldn’t remember anything. Well not anything there was three things I knew
1.I was a girl named Shyanne Marie Syrea
2.I had a silver SUV (I think there is one right next to me, and no one else is in sight)
3.And I have to use the restroom
So there I was, I didn’t know what I looked like, I don’t know where I am besides in a forest, and I don’t really know who I am. Guuuuhhhhh guuuuuuhhhhhh guuuuuhhhhh a black mersadies pulled up next to me, the person rolled down the window “Come on Shyanne we will be late for school” A cute boy said, he had brown short hair, and a lot of freckles, but he was cute. He got out of the car “Babe whats wrong, your hair is a mess and you wore those close yesterday.” He said “Who..Who..Who are you?” I asked “Shyanne, its me your boyfriend, Karson. You all right want me to take you to the doctor?” he asked “What is a doctor? What is School? What are you?” I asked “Get in the car” he demanded. He drove in silence. I didn’t know what to say, what do you say when you can’t remember your own boyfriend, something came to me like a vision but from the past it took me back from when I was in third grade. I was sitting next to a desk everyone was by the hamster, Lynn, but not me. I was crying, then this short girl came over to me “I am Annie, who are you?” I didn’t answer back “Karson!” she yelled “This is my brother, Karson, he is a creep.” She said “hey uggy what are you looking at” he said his friends where next to him and started laughing I started crying more. Annie hit Karson on the sholder, “jerk!” she said “leave” he left. “Sorry he is useally very nice” she said and walked away to the other kids. They ignored me like they where princes and prinsses and I was the ugly maid, that was how it was since I was two. I went back more in my vision, when I was two. My mother was holding me and there was a big builiding that said St.Iahia Orhanage, I started crying then this tall nun took me in the house. I snaped out I was in real life.
14 Responses to 'Is this good so far, it is a book for preteens?'
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I have to be honest: it’s not good.
It’s good
Better than I was when I was twelve…….
It’s pretty good; but could use more punctuation (commas, question marks ^_^)
Goes a tad fast…then again I always went fast too.
Hmm….I would tell her mother to encourage her daughter to write more.
Well… I can honestly say I’ve never read anything like that in my entire life…
It needs more paragraphs. A new paragraph starts each time a new person is speaking. It sort of sounds like Twilight in a sense. It sounds ok…but it definitely needs work.
umm… its got potential .tell her to keep trying and to work hard. Its good for a 12 year old.
i liked it it grabbed my attention and i want to know more…hmmm ofcourse ignoring the grammar and puntuation…i think it was good:)
nice job a little more detail would be nice too.
It’s really great! Can I please get a copy when it’s published?
its pretty good.
Honestly its to fast and doesnt make sense.
Maybe in a few years she will get better, its
alright for a 12 yr old maybe i guess?
to her; i think you need to work on your grammar and sentence structure and typical writing. i dont think the story is the problem, just the way you write. and youre young, so dont worry its normal unless youre a prodigy or something
to improve, try paying attention in english class, reading looots of books, and even taking a writing course.
if she has interest in writing i think she should persevere and keep writing lots!
ps; please don’t use so many ??????????s
SPELLING!!!!!! GAH!!! but… most twelve year olds didn’t do as well as i did on those stupid vocab-comprehension tests…… so its pretty good, except the beginning sounds alot like the whole
“of three things i was absolutely sure” part of twilight……
so maybe change that so people dont go “uuughhh another twilight wannabe!!”
but other than that is grammar and punctuation and such…. keep going!!
It is very good for a twelve year old.
The plot idea is intriguing, and the dialogue is quite good. It is a little hard to read in a big clump as it is with no breaks.
At the moment it seems like just the first thoughts for a story written down, as the flow is a bit awkward and jumpy and there are a few small plot holes, but that is easily fixed, with some grammar and sentence structure help.
Breaking it up into paragraphs would be the first thing to fix. It is difficult to follow the dialogue and know who is speaking the way it is. But it is a very, very good start.
hehe mersadies. cute.
well, i think its a little quick i must say but i had that problem as well and hopefully it won’t occur again. for a twelve year old, this ain’t bad besides the spelling, grammatical errors and sentence structure. i dont realli understand but i think i do in a way. i reckon she should keep going because she might be a great writer someday and perhaps can even publish one of her books one day!