sorry this doesn’t read like a story that any publisher would be at all interested in let alone working with you and if you did have a publisher working with you they would have an editor to do what you are asking us to do

this reads more like the stuff that adolescent teenage girls write as fanfiction – it is certainly not anything that is ever likely to be published

read a few classic stories like those by dickens, the brontes, jane austen etc and you will learn how to write dialogue that is readable and doesn’t look like school corridor gossip