my fiance and i have been together for quite some time. we were together a year and a half before we got engaged six months ago. we live with my mom for the time being. due to the fact that neither of us are working..my fiance got laid off from his job (damn economy!) and i haven’t worked since i had my daughter because i wanted to finish high school and at the time i couldn’t afford day care and because i live with my mom the household income was to much to get help with daycare. since i finished high school my mom has really wanted me to get a job (as have i) but right now nobody’s hiring. she knows it so she doesn’t give me to much grief. but my fiance on the other hand..is having just as much of a hard time finding a job..but still whines about how i haven’t found one! on top of that i’ve been sick the past couple of days and i’ve been sleeping a lot. he knows that i feel like crap but still gets mad because he has to take care of my daughter (from a previous relationship). i can understand that he’s angry because he gets little to no sleep with me being up and down all night coughing and what not..but i would honestly rather him be a little tired than for me to be breathing in my daughter’s face all day because he just wants to sleep. he loves my daughter..i know he does. just like i know she loves him. i take care of him when he’s sick..but he refuses to do the same for me.
i accepted the fact that he didn’t like my friends. they really were bad influences and they really were just using me for whatever i had. so i no longer speak to most of them. i pretty much have no social life because he doesn’t like the people i’m friends with. but it’s ok for him to talk to his ex. through myspace and all of her pictures are of her HALF *****! and he doesn’t understand why that upsets me. she calls him hun or **** and tells him to look at her pics and comment them and all this stuff and he actually DOES IT! but if some guy said that to me we’d fight about it for a week!
just like tonight..he said told me that i was being a bit** (over not saving food for him to eat) and i told him that if he would stop being an @$$hole over nothing that i would make him something to eat. and he says “oh well don’t you have balls now that your mom’s home..lets see how you act tomorrow when nobody’s here” i told him that if he didn’t like what i did or said that he could leave because i’m tired of him acting like everything i do makes him miserable.
in the six months we’ve been together he’s told me he was going to leave numerous times. and he blames EVERYTHING on me. i’m always being a bit**..so it’s always my fault that we fight. when he calls me a wh0re for having a kid when i was 14 and when he tells me i’m worthless..that’s my fault to because i MAKE him act that way. when we fight..we do battle. i’ve had multiple bruises. he throws things at me. he’s ripped my engagement ring off my finger more than once. he makes me feel like i’m an inch tall. but he says he’s NEVER been like that with anyone else..so it’s my fault he’s like that i bring that out in him.
he tells me he loves me after he’s done being an @$$hole..and i always tell him that i doubt it. because i do. i know that at some point he loved me..but i don’t think he does anymore. i think more or less he’s just here because he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go. and the one time i did try to kick him out he told me to try it and see what happened.
i mean i’ve tried to get him to talk to me after we fight and he always tells me there’s nothing to talk about. he refuses counseling. he was actually nicer when he was drinking and it’s gotten to the point where i throw money at him and tell him to go to the bar because i’d rather see him drunk than to have one more fight with him.
i’m really at the end of my wits. we love eachother but i just can’t be super nice 24*7 just to make him happy. when i’m nice..we don’t fight but the minute i’m not..he becomes this person that i ****. and i’ve never hated ANYONE! does anyone have any advice?
*sorry this was long but i just don’t know what else to do anymore!
25 Responses to 'at my wits end with my fiance.how much more do i have to take?'
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dont marry him. do NOT marry him. omg you better run girl. raise your standards & get the hell away from him!
sholdve thought about the future when you were younger. and you couldve been more cautious about dealing with a baby after you were engaged.i have nothing else to say.
honestly, it doesn’t sound like the relationship is worth it.
You shouldn’t have to take anymore… Then again, you shouldn’t be engaged to this guy in the first place…
If you marry him, look forward to ALL THIS AND MORE for the REST OF YOUR LIFE… You don’t bring anything out in him that isn’t already there… Not to mention if he’s given you ‘multiple bruises’ and ‘throws things’, I would worry about the safety of you and your daughter…
You have 2 options…
1… Learn to like the way he treats you…
2… Find a guy who doesn’t treat you like this…
It’s really that simple…
i only read one paragraph(the one about myspace) if youv’e tlk to him and he does it anyways threaten him if he still does it dump his srry ass
wow um how old are you ?
I wouldn’t marry him. Just with that remark (”oh well don’t you have balls now that your mom’s home..lets see how you act tomorrow when nobody’s here” ), alone it tells you how your life will be with him. I’d try and just go on without him. Things are clearly not healthy in this relationship.
Gosh it sounds like you are really frustrated with him. Are you sure you want to marry him? In terms of what to do, I’d say the first thing you need to do is think really hard if you really want to marry him or if you’d just be signing up for a lifetime of unhappiness. If it were me, the thing with the ex would hurt my feelings and also make me suspcious.
you are not happy now, mostly because of your living and financial situation. if you two were on your own and he was working and you had money and no parents in your way i think things would be better, but not perfect. take it from me, someone who was with a girl for 8 years and we have three kids together. eventually its going to end if you arent happy. its better to have loved and lost than to live with an a$$hole or a bitccch the rest of your life. be happy. lifes short and you only get one shot so dont sell yourself short. even having kids with someone doesnt mean you have to stay with them. i miss my wife and i miss seeing my kids at home all day but i am much happier since we have split and im sure she is also. weigh the pros and cons. just remember, if the world ended tomorrow are you gonna die happy
Absolutely NOT going to work. I see no good chemistry here at all. You need to end this as soon as possible. Have your mom tell him to get out. He can go stay with his ex or some other friends till he gets his act together. You are only destroying yourself by staying in this relationship. END IT NOW.
Fiance?? You want to marry this guy? Dump him right now, no more bruises…..that is exposing your daughter to violence. You don’t need him and you’d be better off without him. He’s not contributing to the household expenses and he’s having a virtual affair. That’s just my objective opinion.
wow,you have described THREE different situations in this thing girl!!!!All I can say is that he is very abusive(physically and verbally) and that you do not need to marry him at all.He is a creep.You have to realize that this man is arounfdyour daughter.You dont want her growing up thinking THATS how a man show love.
you take the ring off and tell him to leave or call the police, he will ruin your life, there are good men out there.
What you both need to do is get jobs and move into your own place that way you both will feel better about yourselves and get along with each other, right now the way that things are there will be no peace between you two because you both are not sharing the responsibilities living at home does not help the situation at all,as far as your daughter goes both of you must take turns with her.
Finacial problems can be a big hit on relationships. The fact that you also have a kid, makes things harder.
Men naturally feel the pressure to be provid for their family, and stress over it a lot when they can’t. It can really bring out the worst in people.
Your fiance may be talking to his ex because he may think of straying. It’s not because he does’t love you, it’s just the thought of being with someone with no strings attached or without any problems. He may just be searching for an outlet. It’s more likely than not, that he doesn’t actually have feelings towards her.
If this is a relationship that you really want to work, then you need to sit down with him and have a talk. Tell him everything you feel, and all of the things you want from him. Ask him to do the same.
Try your best to come to a compromise. It’s going to be tough, and their might be some yelling, but that’s good. Right now you both have a lot of frustration. And you’re taking it out by nit picking at eachother.
Lack of communication is the demise of many relationships that would otherwise be successful.
If he isn’t willing to sit down with you or isn’t willing to compromise, no matter how hard you push, then this isn’t a relationship that is worth having.
Don’t stay with him out of convience. That’s just going to make things worse for the both of you. You might have to end your relationship with him. That will be hard, but it will be better in the long run.
But make sure you don’t go back to your old friends, even if you’re feeling like ****. Even you admitted they were a bad influence, don’t let yourself fall back on them.
The fact that he threatned you if you tried to kick him out, is not a good sign. Don’t be afraid to call the police. They can, and will make him leave your house. Get a restraining order if you have to. He can’t stay in a house that he doesn’t own.
I hope things work out for you. Best of luck.
This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage. I think all the buzzers and warning lights are going off in your head. If you marry this creep, he will end up treating you even worse. If you feel badly now, just wait!!! Also, you can’t start a relationship living with your parent. That isn’t fair to anybody. Move if you can’t find work. It’s better than not having any independence. It *****!!! The two of you need to stop blaming each other and get your lives together. Either that or get on with your own life but it’s time to take control.!!!
I don’t have much experience with this, but here is what i think. If he treats you like that, you don’t need him. If you are not happy now, it probably wont get better if you are married. You should have to be happy all the time just so that he wont yell. And if those people really were your friends, he shouldn’t get to tell you that you cant hang out with them. you can do what you want with your life. And he should take care of your daughter because he will be the step father soon and she will be his responsibility too. I think that you should sit down with him and tell him what you think about your relationship and how he treats you and what has to change. Oh, and you should tell him how you feel about his ex who keeps popping up in his life when she is unwanted.
Girlfriend, he has abuser tendencies. You don’t need that kind of grief. It’s your mom’s house. I’m surprised she has picked up ya’ll-z dysfunctional-ness. I mean, what does she think? Does she even care?
He needs to go. Plus, your mom is good for allowing you and your non-husband to lay up in her house. You said you’ve had bruises. Kick him to the curb before it gets any worse.
Your mom is putting a roof over his head, and he’s bitching about YOU?
Think hard on this one. YOU do NOT need HIM!
He’s your fiance`. NOT your husband. Send him packing to mooch off his x. Your concern is YOU, your child, and your mom. He is NOT included in that picture!
Please start off 2009 with a new life, minus him.
Good Luck!
My bf said he is a loser and you derserve better
You need to stand your ground. You are trying to best and he has no right to call you a wh0re, or call you worthless. What do you imagine as your married life? He is right in a sense that this is your mom’s home, but what about tomorrow when you are not living with her. It might roll out of control and your mom won’t be around to stop anything. You mom is being understanding and basically helping you AND him out. If you two want to be married, you need to become mature adults and by what you have explained, he is a fcuking teenager! Who goes on mySpace nowadays and comments on ex-gf’s half ***** pictures? No respectable self-worthing man would do that. Tell him you don’t like it and that’s that. Don’t give in, stand up. You have nothing to loose. You have your mum, your lovely daughter and life seems to be going well for you (especially getting rid of bad influences *thumbs up*), and soon you will find a job and settle in. But he is laid off and if anything he is going to loose you and your support. Trust me, from what you are saying it seems you can do a LOT better than him and he will be the one at loss.
I think you think think baout this with complete logic. Your daughter’s life is attached to your’s. So make a smart choice and carry on.
Don’t marry him.
While I am having my own problems of which I can’t seem to solve on my own, I can tell you one thing out of personal experiance. WALK AWAY NOW! Even if it is just with the clothes off of your back. I was left with no other choice to do this when I found out my husband, (if you want to call him that) of 10 years was doing crystal meth and I never knew. I was pregnant with twins, had 1 year old twins and was working FULL-TIME commuting 4 hours a day. I have NO REGRETS. As a matter of fact, it was the BEST CHOICE I ever made with starting with this loser to begin with. TRUST ME, it WILL NOT GET BETTER, it never does. I wish you and your daughter the strength to do so.
sounds like you are having a bit of trouble here is a bit of advice.
It is important to have respect both ways.
It seems as you respect him in many ways and after two years of marriage with my wife I can tell you there is no way to respect your significant other in all ways. You just have to respect that they are who they are and make the choice if you can stand it.
About the myspace thing:
My wife got on to me about it too. But the end conclusion was that I was looking but I wasn’t touching nor was I considering touching and as long as I didn’t touch everything was cool.
However, noticing that it was upsetting her I wasn’t going to do it again because I loved her too much to have her upset over something that was my doing so maybe your significant other needs to get his perspectives and priorities straight.
About the violent streak.
Perhaps he is telling the truth about his behavior only being different towards you. In which case this is a very BAD thing. You don’t want a man that is going to be violent towards you especially if you are going to marry him.
But I bet he does love you its just he doesn’t know how to handle a few things when it comes to what you say and how you act.
Not to say you are in the wrong here. He is CLEARLY in the wrong. Nothing justifies getting that angry in an argument. I suggest you go see a premarital counselor and try and work things out and if it doesn’t seem like its meant to be then I say run for the hills.
If he continues to refuse counseling then you need to give him an ultimatum and tell him that this is the only thing that is going to keep you around and if he refuses this time, its time to pack your things and move on.
About his drinking:
1. Drinking is no place for a family so do not encourage it. That is wrong on your part. No matter how nice he is in that state eventually its not going to be that way.
2. Perhaps if he has stopped drinking recently *being within the last six months* he is going through some withdrawals. That could be a reason why he is acting out.
All in all, if you aren’t happy hon you should leave. Give it a shot if you think there is a chance of salvaging your engagement but from what I see, he is just too overbearing and controlling. Perhaps he is too immature for the type of relationship you are seeking.
Like I said these are the things you need to do:
1. Give him that Ultimatum. Counseling or you leave that very next instant after he refuses.
2. Try not to be so combative with him. I understand that he is doing the fighting but if you keep your voice calm perhaps he will lower his and you can talk rationally.
3. Sit him down when he is not busy doing something so he can’t be pissed for you interrupting him. Talk to him and ask him how he feels about you. Tell him how you feel about him. Then ask him what you do to make him angry and then tell him what he does to make you angry. Talk it out in a very patient and calm manner there is no need to get into a heated argument in this situation.
4. In that conversation. You have to accept that everything he is telling you is the truth and let him know that anything he says you will believe because that is how he feels. On the same respects, he has to accept that everything that you say is true as well because that is how you feel.
5. Remember calm and cool. Keep your anger suppressed and don’t let it get the best of you even when its getting the best of him. You have to show him that you aren’t going to get riled by his insults.
6. If all else fails, pack your things and live at your mothers until you get on your feet or if it is your house kick his *** out and have your mother come stay with you for a while.
Hope this helped.
I had thought that maybe the stress of finances and your living circumstances were just too much for you both and it could still work out eventually. But then I got to this part:
“so it’s always my fault that we fight. when he calls me a wh0re for having a kid when i was 14 and when he tells me i’m worthless..that’s my fault to because i MAKE him act that way. when we fight..we do battle. i’ve had multiple bruises. he throws things at me. he’s ripped my engagement ring off my finger more than once. he makes me feel like i’m an inch tall. but he says he’s NEVER been like that with anyone else..so it’s my fault he’s like that i bring that out in him.”
That says it all. Someone who hurts you emotionally and physically and then blames it on you is a textbook abuser. I know it may be easier said than done but for your sake and for the sake of your family, you’ve got to kick this guy to the curb. If it takes a restraining order then do it. Nothing he can do for you is worth what he is doing to you.